Fitting In ≠ Belonging
“When our ability to be who we really are, becomes a realm of only the privileged, we have lost our capacity to create a school, a home, and a country that we love.”
Brené Brown
I love myself some Brené - in case I have mentioned that lately. And I love this quote. It sums up so much of what I believe about building school culture, protecting our most vulnerable kids, and accepting responsibility to model courage every day. To be able to show up as oneself is more than just personal freedom; it’s an act of cultural and societal contribution. Authenticity fuels creativity, innovation, and connection. It allows diverse voices to be heard in ways that inspire progress and foster empathy. But when authenticity becomes a luxury, reserved only for the elite- those with the financial, racial, gender, or societal privilege to defy norms without fear of judgment or consequence- something is deeply broken.
Consider the barriers faced by marginalized students- kids of color, LGBTQ+, immigrants, those with disabilities, and the kiddos living below the poverty line. Kids who are neurodivergent or have mental health concerns can also feel the stigma of being “othered.” Many kids find themselves navigating an environment that demands conformity, silences individuality, and punishes deviation from the status quo.
In Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man, Emmanual Acho points out, “White people and white culture have always been esteemed in America. I navigate America. I navigate as a visitor whereas for white people, it’s home.” This makes so much sense to me; when kids are forced to try and fit in, vulnerability is traded for survival. These are not kids who are going to show up in your classroom ready to learn. This isn’t just heartbreaking for the kiddo, it’s robbing their classmates of a unique perspective and potential contributions. Every kid needs safety to be genuine. Trauma robs kids of vulnerability and living in the margins can be very traumatizing.
I have always been an advocate for democratic classrooms. Where everyone has a voice and problems are solved together. Where our differences make us more interesting. A classroom where acceptance is conditional undermines our ability to build true community. Love for learning will never be built on knowing the right answer, the same way love for each other will never be built on complacency and indifference. True learning requires opportunities, true love requires action. When systemic inequality denies authenticity to certain groups, it creates disconnection, resentment, division, and shame. We have to be willing to challenge the structures that perpetuate privilege and exclusion. It requires active listening, bold policy-making, and intentional cultural shifts. We must champion spaces where every individual – regardless of their background – feels safe to express who they are without fear.
When I read this aloud to my husband he interjected here with, "I don’t understand what you mean when you say they can’t be who they are. What are they doing? Faking it?" Uh . . . yea. Brené says “fitting in” is the opposite of belonging. Fitting in is trying to be like everyone else and true belonging requires us to be exactly who we are. We have a whole lot of kids who believe they need to fit in to be accepted. When we correct the way they speak to us in casual conversation, we are sending the message that how they talk at home is less than. When the standardized tests we give kids aren’t in their primary language and then we use the results to determine intelligence, we send the message that this is the only language that matters. When we refuse to use a name a kid has asked to be called, we send the message that their humanity is better left a secret. So, yeah, we force them to fake it in a lot of ways.
I understand that pushing back has always been risky for teachers. Depending on what state and what district you teach in, some have more freedom than others. And things seem to just be getting trickier as the days go on. But advocating for kids is not against the rules - it’s a requirement. Ethical decision-making is a huge part of every day in the life of a teacher. It’s why we are held to such a high standard and it’s also why we need to keep advocating for what’s good for kids. Ensuring public schools serve all students is crucial for fostering a fair and equitable society. To me, the purpose of school is to engage kids in the process of learning, teach them how to be critical thinkers and prepare them to thrive in a multicultural world. How can we do that if we don’t address inequities when we see them? And maybe the bigger question is, how can we do that if we don’t teach teachers how to identify the inequities?
I once received a student comment at the end of a semester on my professor evaluation that said, “Less racism.” This made Andrew and me laugh. It still makes us laugh because presumably, the person whose job it was to monitor my student feedback, could have easily assumed I was being racist, and the student was requesting I not do that. It’s not funny in a ha-ha way, but it is funny in an ironic way. I guess I can’t be 100% sure (but I’m 100% sure) that what this student was requesting was that I talk about racism less. Maybe a fair complaint, but I was really on a mission to get our students to examine their own biases. But when nearly 80% of American teachers identify as white (Chat GPT told me it is 98.3% in Nebraska and 89.8% in Utah), I will endure the risk of “less racism” being a trend in my student feedback.
We all have biases. It’s in the air we breathe. And unless we are willing to examine, acknowledge, and actively work on rewiring it . . . it’s not a stretch to assume we might unknowingly continue to pass it on. Every kid in our classroom deserves to be seen as the unique, beautiful person they are. Giving them “permission” to be themselves isn’t enough. Permission is like telling them, I like you even though you don’t meet my expectations. Maybe, the deeper we know them, the deeper we love them . . . can we work on making that the status quo?